Dolly Parton and Grief Comes in Waves.

In two months, it will be two years since our daughter left us. Grief shouldn’t exist now, right?

Wrong. Grief knows nothing about time.

Oh sure, there are days when I rock along in a normal way, and then something will bring the gloom.

Like the unexpected death of Dolly Parton.

I wasn’t a fan of her singing voice, but I loved the song “Nine to Five.” I enjoyed her interviews and vibrant personality. I loved hearing her talk about her faith, even when she was dressed like a floozy. She was a modern icon. People will remember her like we do Elvis.

Dolly’s death brought on sadness. I thought about our Shelley and how much I miss her, too.

I miss Dolly too, and I didn't know her. How much more than, I will miss a daughter I love.

Help for Caregivers

Remember grief knows nothing about time. God says, “A day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day.”  2 Peter 3:8.

If you live a thousand years, you might still have a day of grief. Except it as normal. Don’t brood on it. “This too shall pass.”

Accepting the Losses

 

Pixabay
 

My nephew and friend, David Sawyer, visited me last week by phone. David is a guitarist, caricature artist, songwriter, and worship leader. He’s a good guy, and his insights are wise beyond his years.

We spoke of the losses humanity endures.

An officer shows up and shocks you out of your shoes when he hands you divorce papers. You face the death of a marriage.

How about this scenario? A woman marries, and her Identity disappears into her husband’s. Her self-worth vanishes.

What if your child dies? Parents? Spouse? Best friend? Faith?

I’ve heard of people losing their faith in God, and I can’t imagine the horror that would bring.

Health issues affect many.  As I age, I see this as part of life, but I don’t like it.

I know a family who grieves over their lost home. Another man’s business failed, and his livelihood is gone. He also suffers.

How do we handle the devastation of losing that important person, the beautiful home, failing health, or the demise of our job?

I could go on, but you get the idea. We experience changes daily. Some arrive as a total surprise, but others come gradually. When facing tragedy, we hope Superman will swoop down from his perch and fix it all up. Put it back in place.

Superman to the rescue.

Hope.

Yeah, we hope, but eventually we must accept.

I’ve experienced the typical emotions after a loss: Shock, guilt, anger, and depression.  I hoped for renewal, a miracle. These are the types of things David and I discussed.

David's Family

David’s parents both died while they were young, and now, his young wife also lives in heaven. David survives daily with these holes in his life, and so do his kids. He does what we all do when calamity knocks us to the ground. He gets up and takes one step at a time.

As David and I shared our stories, I slowly came to affirm a loss that I can’t correct. I realized that a revision of facts would not come my way.

I needed to let go and accept what I couldn’t change.

That realization brought a sense of peace.

Thank you, David.

Hints for Caregivers

1.    Share your thoughts with someone who understands.

2.    Superman is a fake character, but God is real. Ask Him for help.

3.    Get up and move. Do what you don’t want to do.

 

Memories Pop Up

Tears

The photos that suddenly appear on my phone surprise me.  I’m happy to see them at times, and then in other instances, they make me tearful. Like the one I saw today. The picture is too sad to post, but it was taken on this date, two years ago, July 22, 2024. Two years ago today.

The facility called us to say our daughter, Shelley, was transitioning. They couldn’t say when the final goodbye would come, but they thought it would be a few hours or days. I remember standing in the kitchen as my husband and I cried on each other’s shoulders.

 Family went immediately to see her.

She rallied and stayed with us until October, 26, 2024.  

Since her homegoing to heaven, I suffer from the loss. Not only do I miss her, but I’m a woman without purpose. I spent the past ten years caring for her. I woke up thinking about what I needed to do for her, and then I went to bed thinking about what I needed to do the following day.

In years past, I wrote Christian novels, and many of them are still available on Internet sites. Gay's Books But while she was ill, and since she left, I’m in a writer’s slump. If I were inspired to begin a new book, I might acquire a dedication again, but right now, I’m floundering. I need a new role.

Movie

A few people throw themselves into fun activities like going to movies, bowling, or reading after their responsibilities ends. All these interests are fun and cause stress to flee our bodies, however, should having fun and freedom be our objective in life? Or should we find something that makes us valuable and needed again?

As I search for usefulness, I thought of this blog and decided to write on the subject. Perhaps I can help another caregiver who faces the same problem. When a loved one leaves, it takes time to rediscover ourselves.

Caregivers spend hours thinking and planning. We devote most of our time and money to helping a loved one, and for the most part, we are happy with the privilege of assisting the family member we adore.

But when we are released from that responsibility, we can feel lost. What to do? I don’t want a similar task. Ten years was enough.

I love teaching Scripture. God gave me the gift to do this, and it gives me a sense of purpose, but I’m limited even there. People aren’t knocking down my door begging me to teach Bible to them.

If you are a caregiver whose job is finished, how are you filling the gap?

 Tips for Caregivers

1. The time will come when you might feel you lost your purpose in life.

2. Look for ways to fill the gap.

3. Realize that for most of us, this feeling is normal.

  

Delayed Grief

 

Shelley's Dad 

He is preaching her funeral in this photo.

I am amazed at how sudden events make my sorrow return.  Shelley left Earth a year and eight months ago. Most days, I truck along and am at ease. Then, WHAMO! A memory pops up on my phone, or I meet a stranger and mention Shelley. Boom! Tears suddenly appear out of nowhere. At other times, I can talk about her and not feel sad.

Why is that?

We had already prearranged a funeral home, burial plot, and chosen a casket. Shelley went with us to make the selections. She chose ceramic humming birds to go at the corners of the casket. She loved those little creatures, and her hubby called Shelley, “my little humming bird.”

I wonder if I grieved properly or thoroughly at the time of Shelley’s actual death. I knew it was coming, and I felt relieved for her. God freed her from a useless mind and body.  Immediately after she left, I plunged into final arrangements. I wrote the obituary, planned the service, selected music, and arranged for pallbearers. I gathered pictures and artifacts.

The service was sweet for a daughter whom I love. I actually believe she would have loved the whole thing. If it were possible, she’d say, “Thanks, Mom.”

I didn’t cry much during the service. I needed to make certain the service went well, and I had people to greet. I filled the hours with work before the event. A lot of work, but planning programs is what I do, and this time, I did it for my Shelley.

Here I am with daughter Christy after the funeral. I chose to wear a bright color as I emphasized Shelley's free spirt in heaven.

I read about delayed grief. Perhaps that is some of my experience at this time in my life. I needed to be strong for others, and I was busy with matters at hand.

For people with delayed grief, a memory, an anniversary, or a word from someone can trigger sorrow.  I expect it will be the same twenty years from now.

Read about delayed grief here. https://themighty.com/topic/depression/delayed-grief-family-member-death/

Tips for Caregivers

1.      When the time comes, who will plan the service for your loved one? It is a good idea to have someone in mind. If possible, make arrangements in advance.

2.      Do you have a minister to officiate? I hope so. Funeral homes can provide a minister if you don’t have one.

3.      Gather stories you’d like the minister to tell.

4.      What music does your loved one enjoy? Plan to incorporate some of it.

5.      Be aware that you might experience delayed grief. When it comes, live with it. It will eventually go away only to return another day.

 

Easter is Coming!

 

 

We drove by Shelley’s last residence today. She transferred to heaven on Saturday, as it is today, but she went to Glory seventeen months ago on a fall day, not spring, like now.

My route often takes me by there, but a tear came today. Why?

Because tomorrow is Easter. The day we celebrate Christ’s resurrection. The day we celebrate eternal life. Shelley resides with Jesus now, and she is alive and healthy. The thought causes tears of joy.

Do I miss her?

You bet I do!

Will I see her again?

Indeed!

Does this thought ease the pain of my loss?

No!

Well, sometimes.

Some people experience organ diseases with dementia, but Shelley endured no pain. She had no bodily disorders, and for that, I’m grateful.  

Shelley knew fear in the early months of illness, but if she felt alarm in later days, it took flight. If there is a blessing to dementia, I suppose that is it. Thoughts wing away before they take effect.

I don't know why God gives us a deluge of grief, but He does, and sometimes the cascade occurs when we least expect it.  I can come up with all sorts of reasons why God allows sorrow, and all are plausible, but none make sense.

But Easter comes!

When the ladies went to the tomb to anoint the body of the dead Jesus, they suffered a total amount of emotional misery. They had lost their teacher, best friend, healer, and Savior.

But it was Sunday!

Resurrection Sunday!

Jesus had taught about His death and His return to life, but no one understood Him.

When the women discovered an empty tomb, sorrow turned to joy.

Shelley’s tomb holds her empty body, but her spirit soars. She remains alive and well.

I can rejoice knowing that fact.

If you haven’t committed your life to Jesus. This is the perfect time to do so. He loves you. He died for you. He arose for you.

 Tips for Caregivers

1. Grief comes during the time your loved one is here, and it also comes after your loved one leaves this Earth.

2. It may come suddenly and leave just as quickly. 

3. It may stay awhile. Accept it, but work with it.

4. Think positive thoughts.

 

 

Birthdays

Special moments, such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays prove difficult if your loved one lives elsewhere. He or she might reside thousands of miles away, making it challenging to get together to celebrate. 

One of our daughters, the one dressed in green on the right in the picture below, lives in Kentucky. We are in Houston, and it is too far for a brief visit, but we see her at least once a year. We stay in touch by phone. Whew! That phone is a relief and a blessing.

The daughter on the far-left lives near us. She is busy…way beyond belief, but she makes time for us. We eat together once a week.

The daughter in the middle lives in heaven. We can't see or talk to her anymore. When she lived on earth, we celebrated her birthday every year. She and her husband would come to our house from Austin, and we made a big to-do over her birthday.

Today, March 6, is her date of birth. You know how it goes. We remember the loss with sadness. And sometimes, our memories make us laugh.

Shelley, a happy-go-lucky lady, became depressed on birthdays. Yep, she did. Like many of us who philosophize as we circle the sun, she would say, "I'm old, and life is short." She was eighteen the first time she uttered this phrase. On her twenty-fifth birthday, she cried! She didn’t want to become an old lady.

And she didn’t. She never grew "old," but disease shortened her life.

As I reminisce today, I’m sharing pictures from former birthdays.

2010 

Shelley and her family.

 

2013

Shelley with her parents and sisters. At this time, she had symptoms of Dementia but hadn't been officially diagnosed.

2016

Her husband died in 2015. We found a caregiver for her in Austin. They came to our house for her birthday. She still loved to joke and laugh.

2018

The caregiver didn't work out, and we placed her in assisted living. Here she celebrated her birthday with her dad and brother-in-law. All three share birthdays around the same date.

2021

During Covid, the assisted living forced us to move Shelley to a new facility. They didn't do memory care. We didn't see her for six months after the move. She lost forty pounds between July and December.  The director made special arrangements for us to see her on her birthday. She had regained a little by the time we saw her in March. She was thrilled to see us.

2023

She could still smile. We stopped coloring her hair.

2024

Her last birthday on Earth. I always got frustrated when the facility staff didn't match her clothes. She had cute things.

As I look back and see her decline, I'm happy her suffering is over. She's well and happy in heaven now.

Help for Caregivers

Keep checking on the facilities if your loved one is in one. I used to match up Shelley's outfits, but the staff often ignored them. 

1.  It is okay to be sad. We will have those days when sadness hits us like a ton of bricks.

2.  Do whatever makes you feel better. Maybe a long walk, perhaps a special food treat.

3.  Talk to someone about your loved one. It might be a stranger! And that’s okay. Sometimes family members don’t want to listen, but if you need to talk, find someone.

Grief Has No Time Limits

 I received a digitized thumb drive of my old 8 mm films and watched them yesterday.  They were fun to watch. Most of these were of Shelley’s baby, toddler, and childhood days.

Yes, they made me smile and shed a tear or two. In these films, she displayed kindness and a willingness to help someone. I found myself saying, “Shelley, look how cute you were.” And then I remembered she would never see these films.

I dreamed of her last night. I suppose the films caused the dream. 

In my nighttime vision, I drove through cities and towns as I searched for her. When I finally found Shelley, she appeared as an adult. Now, get this. She was looking for a man to date! This frustrated me in my dream, and I have no idea why. She was a widow when she died. If she had lived, perhaps she would have been looking for a companion.

Shelley met her husband online. He was a good man, and they had ten years of a happy marriage before he passed.

 They both became sick at about the same time. Don, her husband, was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, and Shelley was diagnosed with early onset dementia.

Don took treatments at M.D. Anderson in Houston, but he reached the point where the physicians couldn’t do more. He knew he was dying and asked us to take charge of Shelley. Of course, we did. We spent over ten years caring for our adult child.

I do not regret it.

God took her to heaven on October 26, 2024. That’s been enough time for grief to lessen for me. Right? However, grief doesn’t work on a schedule. There are times when I swallow tears so others cannot see them.

Her earthly birthday is coming up. Her dad’s birthday is March 4, and hers was March 6. We celebrated them together in the past. Perhaps the anniversary of her birth is another reason the grief grows stronger, as well as my dream about her.

I know it is normal to dream of Shelley. I understand I may become sad when I see pictures of her.  And when special anniversaries or birthdays come around, I know it is natural for sadness to creep into my being.

She is entombed in Austin, Texas, next to her husband. I live in Houston. I took flowers last year on her birthday. I went again and took more bouquets on the anniversary date she left this earth. I won’t go to her burial site this year on her birthday, but I’ll be thinking of her.

And I’ll be grieving.

Tips for Caregivers

1.    Don’t punish yourself because you grieve. Remember this. Grief has no time limits.

2.    Never beat yourself up. Everyone is different. Other family members are on their own timetable of sorrow.

3.    Remove pictures that make you sad and replace them with happier photos of your loved one. I recently removed a photo from my fridge. It is a sweet picture of the two of us, but it makes me feek forlorn. Other pictures of her on my fridge don’t.  Isn’t that weird? The one I removed was a selfie I took of us while we waited for a doctor. We laughed so much that day. We went to lunch after the appointment and thoroughly enjoyed the time together.

4.    It’s okay to cry. "Tears are words the heart can't express" ~ Gerard Way

5.    Think of tears this way. "Tears are God's gift to us.  Our holy water.  They heal us as they flow." ~ Rita Schiano

I Went Back

 

Yesterday, November 20, 2025, I returned to Shelley’s residence, the last one she stayed in before the Lord moved her spirit to heaven.  She transcended to her eternal home on October 26, 2024.

How did I feel as I entered the familiar place?

I didn't become as melancholy as I expected. You see, I always thought if I could make it through the first year's anniversary, I’d survive. 

I pulled into a parking place I had used many times before and felt okay. Sure, I said a quick prayer, but I didn’t feel the urge to cry.

I was there to play the piano. I had offered to play many times in the past while Shelley was a resident, but my husband never wanted me to do so. Why, you ask? I have no idea. I’m no expert pianist, but I can play hymns in an adequate fashion, and we had donated hymn books to the facility.

Anyway, without telling him, I decided to go back and play for the residents. I can’t do much, but I can do that.

They had rearranged furnishings, but otherwise, it appeared the same. At least with furniture. The personnel changed many times over. I often wonder why that is.  Working with dementia patients is a difficult job. Perhaps that’s one reason why.

The activity director had positioned the patients in a gathering behind the piano. I like to see the audience, but with the piano placed that way, I couldn’t, but I heard some of them sing!

One lady sat in a wheelchair right behind me. I played old, familiar hymns, and she sang the words, and she hit all the high notes. She impressed me big time. She had a gorgeous voice. A choir master would have been overjoyed to have her in the choir.

Others sang too.  I’ve always said music is the last to leave the mind.

Before Shelley moved to memory care, she lived in an assisted living facility. Retired guys brought karaoke machines. They sang, and they danced with the residents. The ladies loved the attention.

I will play there again. I received more blessings than I gave.

Where Shelley was

Gay's Author Page

Tips for Caregivers

1.    Take music with you.

2.    Sing with them, even if you can’t carry a tune.

3.    If you play, do so for the residents.

4.    Even if you don’t know anyone in a facility, you can offer music to them.

5.    Offer to dance with them.

 

 

Months Vanish into Yesteryear

 

 

The Months Vanish into Yesteryear

 

A few people recover from grief quickly, even if they loved the deceased person deeply. They move on to the next phase of life as if the sorrow was a mere blimp in the road.

Others mourn for years. The sadness is heartbreaking, and they carry it forever.

Where are you in the process of grief?  We all experience it with different emotions and sometimes, the emotions repeat themselves. One day, we are okay with our loss, and the next, we are angry. Then a week later, we are sad. The repetition continues.

Grief recovery is different for each of us. We are snowflakes, unique with our perspectives and upbringing.

If we have surgery, a scar remains as a reminder of the incident. It takes days to recover from a medical procedure. After the healing, we experience health again, but a scar remains, and it jogs our memories. We’ve been through something important.

While living in the survival mode, there is no right or wrong way to feel. No magical genie in a bottle to blow grief away. We live with it. Period.

Helpful people may say to you, “Just move on.” Perhaps they can do that, but it may not work for you. I recently had a family member tell me, “Oh, I forgot about her death.” This person finds it easier to adjust that I do.

It has been a year since my daughter left this earth. During these past months, I’ve carried on with the necessary things, but I’ve also cocooned myself. I don’t answer the phone. My hubby knows I won’t answer, so he does it. I don’t go somewhere unless it is a must. I don’t dress unless I’m going somewhere. I play games on the computer. They rest my mind.

However, I’ve given suggestions below, and these suggestions continue to help me. My support group consists of two women who have gone through grief. I took medication for a brief time, and my Bible study is a godsend. 

God grant us mercy as we live with our grief.

 

Help for Caregivers

1.     Find a support group. Don’t try to go through this process alone. You want to be healthy, and a support group can help with that.

2.     See a doctor for your extreme sadness. Temporary medication can help.

3.     Join a Bible Study. Exploring how Bible characters went through grief can be enlightening. Take the story of Joseph in Genesis. His brothers sold him into slavery, and he also spent years in prison. He was totally innocent. How did he handle it?