Accepting the Losses

 

Pixabay
 

My nephew and friend, David Sawyer, visited me last week by phone. David is a guitarist, caricature artist, songwriter, and worship leader. He’s a good guy, and his insights are wise beyond his years.

We spoke of the losses humanity endures.

An officer shows up and shocks you out of your shoes when he hands you divorce papers. You face the death of a marriage.

How about this scenario? A woman marries, and her Identity disappears into her husband’s. Her self-worth vanishes.

What if your child dies? Parents? Spouse? Best friend? Faith?

I’ve heard of people losing their faith in God, and I can’t imagine the horror that would bring.

Health issues affect many.  As I age, I see this as part of life, but I don’t like it.

I know a family who grieves over their lost home. Another man’s business failed, and his livelihood is gone. He also suffers.

How do we handle the devastation of losing that important person, the beautiful home, failing health, or the demise of our job?

I could go on, but you get the idea. We experience changes daily. Some arrive as a total surprise, but others come gradually. When facing tragedy, we hope Superman will swoop down from his perch and fix it all up. Put it back in place.

Superman to the rescue.

Hope.

Yeah, we hope, but eventually we must accept.

I’ve experienced the typical emotions after a loss: Shock, guilt, anger, and depression.  I hoped for renewal, a miracle. These are the types of things David and I discussed.

David's Family

David’s parents both died while they were young, and now, his young wife also lives in heaven. David survives daily with these holes in his life, and so do his kids. He does what we all do when calamity knocks us to the ground. He gets up and takes one step at a time.

As David and I shared our stories, I slowly came to affirm a loss that I can’t correct. I realized that a revision of facts would not come my way.

I needed to let go and accept what I couldn’t change.

That realization brought a sense of peace.

Thank you, David.

Hints for Caregivers

1.    Share your thoughts with someone who understands.

2.    Superman is a fake character, but God is real. Ask Him for help.

3.    Get up and move. Do what you don’t want to do.

 

Memories Pop Up

Tears

The photos that suddenly appear on my phone surprise me.  I’m happy to see them at times, and then in other instances, they make me tearful. Like the one I saw today. The picture is too sad to post, but it was taken on this date, two years ago, July 22, 2024. Two years ago today.

The facility called us to say our daughter, Shelley, was transitioning. They couldn’t say when the final goodbye would come, but they thought it would be a few hours or days. I remember standing in the kitchen as my husband and I cried on each other’s shoulders.

 Family went immediately to see her.

She rallied and stayed with us until October, 26, 2024.  

Since her homegoing to heaven, I suffer from the loss. Not only do I miss her, but I’m a woman without purpose. I spent the past ten years caring for her. I woke up thinking about what I needed to do for her, and then I went to bed thinking about what I needed to do the following day.

In years past, I wrote Christian novels, and many of them are still available on Internet sites. Gay's Books But while she was ill, and since she left, I’m in a writer’s slump. If I were inspired to begin a new book, I might acquire a dedication again, but right now, I’m floundering. I need a new role.

Movie

A few people throw themselves into fun activities like going to movies, bowling, or reading after their responsibilities ends. All these interests are fun and cause stress to flee our bodies, however, should having fun and freedom be our objective in life? Or should we find something that makes us valuable and needed again?

As I search for usefulness, I thought of this blog and decided to write on the subject. Perhaps I can help another caregiver who faces the same problem. When a loved one leaves, it takes time to rediscover ourselves.

Caregivers spend hours thinking and planning. We devote most of our time and money to helping a loved one, and for the most part, we are happy with the privilege of assisting the family member we adore.

But when we are released from that responsibility, we can feel lost. What to do? I don’t want a similar task. Ten years was enough.

I love teaching Scripture. God gave me the gift to do this, and it gives me a sense of purpose, but I’m limited even there. People aren’t knocking down my door begging me to teach Bible to them.

If you are a caregiver whose job is finished, how are you filling the gap?

 Tips for Caregivers

1. The time will come when you might feel you lost your purpose in life.

2. Look for ways to fill the gap.

3. Realize that for most of us, this feeling is normal.

  

Delayed Grief

 

Shelley's Dad 

He is preaching her funeral in this photo.

I am amazed at how sudden events make my sorrow return.  Shelley left Earth a year and eight months ago. Most days, I truck along and am at ease. Then, WHAMO! A memory pops up on my phone, or I meet a stranger and mention Shelley. Boom! Tears suddenly appear out of nowhere. At other times, I can talk about her and not feel sad.

Why is that?

We had already prearranged a funeral home, burial plot, and chosen a casket. Shelley went with us to make the selections. She chose ceramic humming birds to go at the corners of the casket. She loved those little creatures, and her hubby called Shelley, “my little humming bird.”

I wonder if I grieved properly or thoroughly at the time of Shelley’s actual death. I knew it was coming, and I felt relieved for her. God freed her from a useless mind and body.  Immediately after she left, I plunged into final arrangements. I wrote the obituary, planned the service, selected music, and arranged for pallbearers. I gathered pictures and artifacts.

The service was sweet for a daughter whom I love. I actually believe she would have loved the whole thing. If it were possible, she’d say, “Thanks, Mom.”

I didn’t cry much during the service. I needed to make certain the service went well, and I had people to greet. I filled the hours with work before the event. A lot of work, but planning programs is what I do, and this time, I did it for my Shelley.

Here I am with daughter Christy after the funeral. I chose to wear a bright color as I emphasized Shelley's free spirt in heaven.

I read about delayed grief. Perhaps that is some of my experience at this time in my life. I needed to be strong for others, and I was busy with matters at hand.

For people with delayed grief, a memory, an anniversary, or a word from someone can trigger sorrow.  I expect it will be the same twenty years from now.

Read about delayed grief here. https://themighty.com/topic/depression/delayed-grief-family-member-death/

Tips for Caregivers

1.      When the time comes, who will plan the service for your loved one? It is a good idea to have someone in mind. If possible, make arrangements in advance.

2.      Do you have a minister to officiate? I hope so. Funeral homes can provide a minister if you don’t have one.

3.      Gather stories you’d like the minister to tell.

4.      What music does your loved one enjoy? Plan to incorporate some of it.

5.      Be aware that you might experience delayed grief. When it comes, live with it. It will eventually go away only to return another day.