Delayed Grief

 

Shelley's Dad 

He is preaching her funeral in this photo.

I am amazed at how sudden events make my sorrow return.  Shelley left Earth a year and eight months ago. Most days, I truck along and am at ease. Then, WHAMO! A memory pops up on my phone, or I meet a stranger and mention Shelley. Boom! Tears suddenly appear out of nowhere. At other times, I can talk about her and not feel sad.

Why is that?

We had already prearranged a funeral home, burial plot, and chosen a casket. Shelley went with us to make the selections. She chose ceramic humming birds to go at the corners of the casket. She loved those little creatures, and her hubby called Shelley, “my little humming bird.”

I wonder if I grieved properly or thoroughly at the time of Shelley’s actual death. I knew it was coming, and I felt relieved for her. God freed her from a useless mind and body.  Immediately after she left, I plunged into final arrangements. I wrote the obituary, planned the service, selected music, and arranged for pallbearers. I gathered pictures and artifacts.

The service was sweet for a daughter whom I love. I actually believe she would have loved the whole thing. If it were possible, she’d say, “Thanks, Mom.”

I didn’t cry much during the service. I needed to make certain the service went well, and I had people to greet. I filled the hours with work before the event. A lot of work, but planning programs is what I do, and this time, I did it for my Shelley.

Here I am with daughter Christy after the funeral. I chose to wear a bright color as I emphasized Shelley's free spirt in heaven.

I read about delayed grief. Perhaps that is some of my experience at this time in my life. I needed to be strong for others, and I was busy with matters at hand.

For people with delayed grief, a memory, an anniversary, or a word from someone can trigger sorrow.  I expect it will be the same twenty years from now.

Read about delayed grief here. https://themighty.com/topic/depression/delayed-grief-family-member-death/

Tips for Caregivers

1.      When the time comes, who will plan the service for your loved one? It is a good idea to have someone in mind. If possible, make arrangements in advance.

2.      Do you have a minister to officiate? I hope so. Funeral homes can provide a minister if you don’t have one.

3.      Gather stories you’d like the minister to tell.

4.      What music does your loved one enjoy? Plan to incorporate some of it.

5.      Be aware that you might experience delayed grief. When it comes, live with it. It will eventually go away only to return another day.

 

Easter is Coming!

 

 

We drove by Shelley’s last residence today. She transferred to heaven on Saturday, as it is today, but she went to Glory seventeen months ago on a fall day, not spring, like now.

My route often takes me by there, but a tear came today. Why?

Because tomorrow is Easter. The day we celebrate Christ’s resurrection. The day we celebrate eternal life. Shelley resides with Jesus now, and she is alive and healthy. The thought causes tears of joy.

Do I miss her?

You bet I do!

Will I see her again?

Indeed!

Does this thought ease the pain of my loss?

No!

Well, sometimes.

Some people experience organ diseases with dementia, but Shelley endured no pain. She had no bodily disorders, and for that, I’m grateful.  

Shelley knew fear in the early months of illness, but if she felt alarm in later days, it took flight. If there is a blessing to dementia, I suppose that is it. Thoughts wing away before they take effect.

I don't know why God gives us a deluge of grief, but He does, and sometimes the cascade occurs when we least expect it.  I can come up with all sorts of reasons why God allows sorrow, and all are plausible, but none make sense.

But Easter comes!

When the ladies went to the tomb to anoint the body of the dead Jesus, they suffered a total amount of emotional misery. They had lost their teacher, best friend, healer, and Savior.

But it was Sunday!

Resurrection Sunday!

Jesus had taught about His death and His return to life, but no one understood Him.

When the women discovered an empty tomb, sorrow turned to joy.

Shelley’s tomb holds her empty body, but her spirit soars. She remains alive and well.

I can rejoice knowing that fact.

If you haven’t committed your life to Jesus. This is the perfect time to do so. He loves you. He died for you. He arose for you.

 Tips for Caregivers

1. Grief comes during the time your loved one is here, and it also comes after your loved one leaves this Earth.

2. It may come suddenly and leave just as quickly. 

3. It may stay awhile. Accept it, but work with it.

4. Think positive thoughts.

 

 

Birthdays

Special moments, such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays prove difficult if your loved one lives elsewhere. He or she might reside thousands of miles away, making it challenging to get together to celebrate. 

One of our daughters, the one dressed in green on the right in the picture below, lives in Kentucky. We are in Houston, and it is too far for a brief visit, but we see her at least once a year. We stay in touch by phone. Whew! That phone is a relief and a blessing.

The daughter on the far-left lives near us. She is busy…way beyond belief, but she makes time for us. We eat together once a week.

The daughter in the middle lives in heaven. We can't see or talk to her anymore. When she lived on earth, we celebrated her birthday every year. She and her husband would come to our house from Austin, and we made a big to-do over her birthday.

Today, March 6, is her date of birth. You know how it goes. We remember the loss with sadness. And sometimes, our memories make us laugh.

Shelley, a happy-go-lucky lady, became depressed on birthdays. Yep, she did. Like many of us who philosophize as we circle the sun, she would say, "I'm old, and life is short." She was eighteen the first time she uttered this phrase. On her twenty-fifth birthday, she cried! She didn’t want to become an old lady.

And she didn’t. She never grew "old," but disease shortened her life.

As I reminisce today, I’m sharing pictures from former birthdays.

2010 

Shelley and her family.

 

2013

Shelley with her parents and sisters. At this time, she had symptoms of Dementia but hadn't been officially diagnosed.

2016

Her husband died in 2015. We found a caregiver for her in Austin. They came to our house for her birthday. She still loved to joke and laugh.

2018

The caregiver didn't work out, and we placed her in assisted living. Here she celebrated her birthday with her dad and brother-in-law. All three share birthdays around the same date.

2021

During Covid, the assisted living forced us to move Shelley to a new facility. They didn't do memory care. We didn't see her for six months after the move. She lost forty pounds between July and December.  The director made special arrangements for us to see her on her birthday. She had regained a little by the time we saw her in March. She was thrilled to see us.

2023

She could still smile. We stopped coloring her hair.

2024

Her last birthday on Earth. I always got frustrated when the facility staff didn't match her clothes. She had cute things.

As I look back and see her decline, I'm happy her suffering is over. She's well and happy in heaven now.

Help for Caregivers

Keep checking on the facilities if your loved one is in one. I used to match up Shelley's outfits, but the staff often ignored them. 

1.  It is okay to be sad. We will have those days when sadness hits us like a ton of bricks.

2.  Do whatever makes you feel better. Maybe a long walk, perhaps a special food treat.

3.  Talk to someone about your loved one. It might be a stranger! And that’s okay. Sometimes family members don’t want to listen, but if you need to talk, find someone.