Memories Pop Up

Tears

The photos that suddenly appear on my phone surprise me.  I’m happy to see them at times, and then in other instances, they make me tearful. Like the one I saw today. The picture is too sad to post, but it was taken on this date, two years ago, July 22, 2024. Two years ago today.

The facility called us to say our daughter, Shelley, was transitioning. They couldn’t say when the final goodbye would come, but they thought it would be a few hours or days. I remember standing in the kitchen as my husband and I cried on each other’s shoulders.

 Family went immediately to see her.

She rallied and stayed with us until October, 26, 2024.  

Since her homegoing to heaven, I suffer from the loss. Not only do I miss her, but I’m a woman without purpose. I spent the past ten years caring for her. I woke up thinking about what I needed to do for her, and then I went to bed thinking about what I needed to do the following day.

In years past, I wrote Christian novels, and many of them are still available on Internet sites. Gay's Books But while she was ill, and since she left, I’m in a writer’s slump. If I were inspired to begin a new book, I might acquire a dedication again, but right now, I’m floundering. I need a new role.

Movie

A few people throw themselves into fun activities like going to movies, bowling, or reading after their responsibilities ends. All these interests are fun and cause stress to flee our bodies, however, should having fun and freedom be our objective in life? Or should we find something that makes us valuable and needed again?

As I search for usefulness, I thought of this blog and decided to write on the subject. Perhaps I can help another caregiver who faces the same problem. When a loved one leaves, it takes time to rediscover ourselves.

Caregivers spend hours thinking and planning. We devote most of our time and money to helping a loved one, and for the most part, we are happy with the privilege of assisting the family member we adore.

But when we are released from that responsibility, we can feel lost. What to do? I don’t want a similar task. Ten years was enough.

I love teaching Scripture. God gave me the gift to do this, and it gives me a sense of purpose, but I’m limited even there. People aren’t knocking down my door begging me to teach Bible to them.

If you are a caregiver whose job is finished, how are you filling the gap?

 Tips for Caregivers

1. The time will come when you might feel you lost your purpose in life.

2. Look for ways to fill the gap.

3. Realize that for most of us, this feeling is normal.

  

Delayed Grief

 

Shelley's Dad 

He is preaching her funeral in this photo.

I am amazed at how sudden events make my sorrow return.  Shelley left Earth a year and eight months ago. Most days, I truck along and am at ease. Then, WHAMO! A memory pops up on my phone, or I meet a stranger and mention Shelley. Boom! Tears suddenly appear out of nowhere. At other times, I can talk about her and not feel sad.

Why is that?

We had already prearranged a funeral home, burial plot, and chosen a casket. Shelley went with us to make the selections. She chose ceramic humming birds to go at the corners of the casket. She loved those little creatures, and her hubby called Shelley, “my little humming bird.”

I wonder if I grieved properly or thoroughly at the time of Shelley’s actual death. I knew it was coming, and I felt relieved for her. God freed her from a useless mind and body.  Immediately after she left, I plunged into final arrangements. I wrote the obituary, planned the service, selected music, and arranged for pallbearers. I gathered pictures and artifacts.

The service was sweet for a daughter whom I love. I actually believe she would have loved the whole thing. If it were possible, she’d say, “Thanks, Mom.”

I didn’t cry much during the service. I needed to make certain the service went well, and I had people to greet. I filled the hours with work before the event. A lot of work, but planning programs is what I do, and this time, I did it for my Shelley.

Here I am with daughter Christy after the funeral. I chose to wear a bright color as I emphasized Shelley's free spirt in heaven.

I read about delayed grief. Perhaps that is some of my experience at this time in my life. I needed to be strong for others, and I was busy with matters at hand.

For people with delayed grief, a memory, an anniversary, or a word from someone can trigger sorrow.  I expect it will be the same twenty years from now.

Read about delayed grief here. https://themighty.com/topic/depression/delayed-grief-family-member-death/

Tips for Caregivers

1.      When the time comes, who will plan the service for your loved one? It is a good idea to have someone in mind. If possible, make arrangements in advance.

2.      Do you have a minister to officiate? I hope so. Funeral homes can provide a minister if you don’t have one.

3.      Gather stories you’d like the minister to tell.

4.      What music does your loved one enjoy? Plan to incorporate some of it.

5.      Be aware that you might experience delayed grief. When it comes, live with it. It will eventually go away only to return another day.

 

Easter is Coming!

 

 

We drove by Shelley’s last residence today. She transferred to heaven on Saturday, as it is today, but she went to Glory seventeen months ago on a fall day, not spring, like now.

My route often takes me by there, but a tear came today. Why?

Because tomorrow is Easter. The day we celebrate Christ’s resurrection. The day we celebrate eternal life. Shelley resides with Jesus now, and she is alive and healthy. The thought causes tears of joy.

Do I miss her?

You bet I do!

Will I see her again?

Indeed!

Does this thought ease the pain of my loss?

No!

Well, sometimes.

Some people experience organ diseases with dementia, but Shelley endured no pain. She had no bodily disorders, and for that, I’m grateful.  

Shelley knew fear in the early months of illness, but if she felt alarm in later days, it took flight. If there is a blessing to dementia, I suppose that is it. Thoughts wing away before they take effect.

I don't know why God gives us a deluge of grief, but He does, and sometimes the cascade occurs when we least expect it.  I can come up with all sorts of reasons why God allows sorrow, and all are plausible, but none make sense.

But Easter comes!

When the ladies went to the tomb to anoint the body of the dead Jesus, they suffered a total amount of emotional misery. They had lost their teacher, best friend, healer, and Savior.

But it was Sunday!

Resurrection Sunday!

Jesus had taught about His death and His return to life, but no one understood Him.

When the women discovered an empty tomb, sorrow turned to joy.

Shelley’s tomb holds her empty body, but her spirit soars. She remains alive and well.

I can rejoice knowing that fact.

If you haven’t committed your life to Jesus. This is the perfect time to do so. He loves you. He died for you. He arose for you.

 Tips for Caregivers

1. Grief comes during the time your loved one is here, and it also comes after your loved one leaves this Earth.

2. It may come suddenly and leave just as quickly. 

3. It may stay awhile. Accept it, but work with it.

4. Think positive thoughts.