A Memory from May, 2018

I wrote this in May, 2018 and ran across it again recently. 

In A Bible Study, my group talked about Eve. You know, the first woman to live on earth? Yeah, that Eve. Poor lady. She had her sins recorded for history, and now we talk about her. Wouldn't you just hate having your sins written down for all to see and discuss? Me too.

Eve talked too much, was an over eater, and that led to her downfall.

The good news is that God rescued her from shame and forgave her for failure. Oh, sure, she faced consequences, but she witnessed first-hand the resources of a faithful God. 

God isn’t Superman. He’s Super God. He knows our limitations and provides for us.

I was reminded of this yesterday.

As most of you know, our daughter is in an assisted living facility.  The residents are taken twice a month to Walmart to shop. You can’t believe how much they look forward to these outings, especially our daughter. During her well days, she was a gad-about, and she still loves to go places.

At 9:00 AM she called me in convulsive tears. “I can’t go.”

“Why”

“I have no money.”

The facility allows the family to put in $200.00 per month for personal toiletries and various, sundry other items. On this trip, she planned to buy me a Mother’s Day present and card.

Her sweet, little breaking heart in turn broke mine.

I’d been there the day before and had intended to ask the administrator if she needed money in her account. The lady was absent and I couldn’t learn our daughter's balance. Unfortunately, the administration doesn't notify the family when the account nears empty.

She loves Bluebell Moo-llennium ice cream and always buys it on her Walmart trips. I checked her freezer while I was there, and she had 3 half-gallons. I examined all her toiletries and she needed none.  She wanted to buy her mom a present. That’s all.  She probably required about $40.00 for what she had in mind. She had about $30 cash in her purse, but she forgets where it is.

Well……………! I asked a staffer if she could borrow money. NO. Not allowed. I called Walmart and HEB to see if I could buy her a gift card. They both said no. There’s been too much fraud over the phone with gift cards.

I called her back to remind her about the cash in her purse and to suggest she buy one item instead of two. The residents had already left for the trip. My daughter cried. So did I.

A few minutes later, her dad called from his business trip to Houston. He heard my tears and felt the tug of my heart.

He said, “I’ll go there right now. I’ll take her to lunch and then shopping. Tell her I'm coming and I'll be there in an hour."

I called my daughter, and her sadness turned to joy.  She said, “Getting to see my daddy is better than going on the bus with the others.”

“Yes,” I said, “All things work together for good to those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28.

I saw an earthly father drop everything take care of his child yesterday. That’s the way God takes care of us. He is mindful of our needs. He often sends a representative to stand in for Him. Other times, He just does it Himself…one way or another, he hears and sees our tears. Sometimes we see Him working on our behalf, but often we don't. When we do, it bring us to our knees with reverence and admiration.

God, the Father took care of Eve in the garden, but He sent an earthy father yesterday to a heartbreaking daughter. My child is also His child.

Tips for Caregivers:

1. Deep inside, that loved one knows you.

2. Deep inside, that loved one appreciates you.

3. Find positive moments to remember. Like I just did with the one above.

Even with Dementia, Breathe in the Good and Breathe out the Bad.

 

While Shelley’s daughter, Courtney and baby Mackenzie were here from New Hampshire, we visited Shelley.

We sang, danced, and almost stood on our heads as we entertained Shelley and the baby.

At one point, Courtney said, “Breathe, Mom, breathe.” 

Courtney then said, “Mom, you used to tell me to breathe all the time.  You’d say, ‘breathe in the good and breathe out the bad.”

I don’t remember Shelley saying that phrase, but it was glued into Courtney’s memory. And it is a beneficial idiom.

Shelley has always been an optimistic, positive person. Even though she suffers in the throes of dementia, she remains sanguine. The aides love her because she is nice and pleasant.

A few patients with Alzheimer’s/dementia become angry and violent. Shelley has never acted out, and she tells the aides, “I love you.”

Alzheimer’s has not robbed her of the ability to breathe in the good and exhale the bad. Her favorite Scripture is, “Don’t worry about anything, instead pray about everything, and don’t forget to thank Him for His answers.” Phil.4:6-7. The Living Bible. 

Shelley quoted this verse to herself until the time she could no longer remember it.  Shelley always found the good in facing bad circumstances.  As an example, she told us one time, “I’m so grateful I have y’all to take care of me.” She didn’t complain about what she didn’t have, but she recognized what she does have. She can’t initiate a conversation, but she responds appropriately. I’ll say, “Do you like this place?” and she will say, “Yes, I do.”

How do we breathe in the good and out with the bad? At the end of class, my yoga instructor has us take deep breaths, hold them, and then expel them vigorously. We repeat the process. This exercise is a beautiful relaxing tool, and it lowers blood pressure.

Dr. Chrissy Whiting-Madison wrote an article in 2021 about this same topic. I know Shelley didn’t read the article or get ideas from the writer. By that year, she had lost her ability to read. However, it is a wonderful article with suggestions on how to exhale the bad and inhale the good.

 Holidays are stressful. Take a few minutes every hour to breathe. Find blessings to take into your mind. I often say as I take that deep breath, “I’m grateful for air and the ability to breathe.” When I exhale, I say, “Quit worrying." Then I inhale and say, "Someone who needs my books and articles is reading them right now.”

Helpful Hints :

Breathe.

Read the article

 Dr. Madison's Article

My New Book

 

A Dementia Christmas

 

Shelley’s daughter, Courtney, flew in from New Hampshire to visit her Texas family. Mackenzie, her adorable daughter, came with her.

I had been telling Shelley for weeks they were coming. Did Shelley understand? I don’t know, but she has moments of clarity, so perhaps she did.

I’d say, “Courtney and the baby are coming.”

At times, she’d reply, “Bebe bebe.” This woman used to be exceptionally verbal and outgoing. She can make appropriate comments at times.

When the day came, I believe she recognized Courtney, but she didn’t seem to register the baby,

I don’t think Shelley understands Christmas, either. The facility has decorations, and I bought her a Christmas sweater, but dementia or Alzheimer’s has a way of robbing people of memories and perception.

Because of dementia, this could be Shelley’s last Christmas, but no one knows.  Shelley was diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer’s in 2014, so we are about to enter the tenth year. Young adults with early-onset dementia usually live eight to ten years. That’s what statistics indicate, but Shelley’s dementia seems to defy the odds and data.

Shelley is a Christian, and I know she will transfer her spirit to heaven at some point.  When she does, she will be Shelley again, the Shelley before dementia/Alzheimer’s robbed her here of body and mind here on Earth.  Her daughter says, “She will be free one day.”  And indeed she will be freed from this body that doesn’t cooperate and a mind that can’t comprehend.

Helpful Hints for Caregivers.

1.    Talk to the dementia patient as if they understand everything. Sometimes they do.

2.    Sing to them. Even if you warble and are off-key, people with Alzheimer’s like music.  I always sing “You Are My Sunshine.” I started singing it once in the main room, and many of the residents joined me in the song. I continued and sang other songs with them. My dad did not have Alzheimer’s, but he suffered a stroke and lived in a facility. After a visit, I told him goodbye. As I left, he started singing his favorite hymn. “When They Ring Those Golden Bells.” I stopped in the hallway and listened. He had a beautiful bass voice, and the song carried throughout the building. When he finished, several patients yelled, “Sing it again!” And he did.

Music is important.

3.    Even if the staff gets perturbed with you for asking questions, keep asking. I am Shelley’s voice. I’ve heard caregivers say, “I don’t want to make the staff mad.”  Hey! I don’t want them angry either, but if your loved one isn’t getting the proper care, you must speak up.

4.    If you are too shy, find someone to help you. I’ve had several caregivers come to me with problems they face with staff. I often suggest they call the ombudsman, or their state office for human services.

5.    What to do when the blues of caregiving come your way? I don’t know the answer to that one. This long goodbye of Alzheimer’s is a heartbreaking journey.