Talking: We Take it for Granted

 

Children learn to speak at an early age. Most babies say DaDa first, and then Mama. Our great granddaughter is babbling up a storm, and her mother is eager to hear mama. 

Shelley's daughter, Shelley's granddaughter, and me. February, 2023

Our daughter with dementia can't initiate a conversation. She does respond to questions, but I'm not sure she realized this baby is her granddaughter.

Shelley, her daughter and granddaughter 2/23

We are into year eight of dementia, and Shelley once was an articulate lady.  She was outgoing, and teachers always wrote, "talks too much" on report cards.  She loved babies, and would have made baby Mac fall in love with her.  These days, she makes appropriate answers to questions.

A conversation might go like this.

Me:  "Did you have chicken for lunch?"

Shelley: "Yes, I did."

Me:  "Was it good?"

Shelley: "It was good."

Me: "Do you like dancing?"

Shelley:  "I like dancing."

Me:  Isn't Baby Mac beautiful?

Shelley: She's beautiful.

If I don't ask questions, she will stare at me, or start speaking gibberish. I'll pretend I understood and I'll respond with, "That's true."

Sometimes I talk about her past life. I don't say, "remember?"  I just tell her what fun we had when we got lost in the country. In the picture below, I had picked her up from her assisted living facility in Columbus, TX, and we toured the backroads. We drove around looking at Bluebonnets and when we found a town, we ate steak and cheesecake for dessert.  I took lots of photos on that trip, and we had a good time. We spent the night in a hotel in Brenham, TX. 

April 4, 2018

Back in  April, 2018, when we took our trip, she could still carry a conversation and make sense.

Sometimes today, ( February, 2023) she merely hollers.  

I think I would too if I experienced frustration because I couldn't talk.

Dementia/Alzheimers is hard on everyone: the one who has it and the family who watches, cares, and loves. 

Talk to the person who has it in a normal way. You never know what will connect. Don't talk down to them, and don't holler as if they are deaf. Somewhere inside that decaying mind and body is the person they once were.

What's A Good Day?

 

April 22, 2022

Today is February 18, 2023. It will soon be a year since I took this picture.  Shelley looks good and is smiling. This must have been a good day.

When a person has dementia, it's not always easy to tell if they are having a good day or not.  What is locked up there in their brain?  Memories? Happiness to see you? Frustration because they can't speak?

For the caregiver, a good day is when the person recognizes you. 

Another caregiver might be having a good day when the dementia person doesn't foul his/her clothes, and there's no smelly cleanup involved.

For each of us, the person with the horrific disease, or the caregiver, a good day can be hard to define.

When we have one, we're grateful.

Sad Days Come, but Joy Returns

 

Sad days come my way.

Today is one of them.

Heartache won't forever stay,

but life is a fragile stem.

Time can bring sorrow,

And moments offer relief.

Tears soar away tomorrow,

But today I bear the grief.

--Gay N. Lewis

Here I am with Shelley on a happy day. I took this selfie three years ago.  We were waiting for the doctor to come in, and we joked about everything in his exam room.  So much fun!

Notice her bangs?  One of the ladies at the assisted living center cut them without asking my permission.  I was not a happy camper about that.

We caregivers often have people telling us how to do things.  It adds to our frustration.  I know some caregivers who have "coaches." These good-intentioned folks tell the 24/7 caregivers how to do a better job. Of course, that "coach" doesn't have a real clue about the care for a helpless one on a day and night basis, but they think they help with their instructions.

On the other hand, some give suggestions out of meanness.

The dear lady who cut Shelley's bangs thought she was helping.  She told me she fixed Shelley's hair to make her look cuter.

I smiled and bit my tongue.  A hard thing for Gay N. Lewis to do. Believe me! 

Caregivers don't need clueless coaches.

Happy days come. So do sad ones. It's life.

And these happy/sad times come also to healthy people as well as those suffering with dementia. I remind myself that situations will look differently tomorrow.

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