Show Up People!

 

All alone?

Humans are a weird bunch. Predictable? No, not us. We reason we will respond in a stable way to an unforeseen event. But then, an unexpected occasion occurs and boom! We surprise ourselves with unreliable actions. These fickle behaviors disappoint us as well as others.

In marriage, we vow to love and honor until death parts us, but the U.S. divorce rate stood at 40% to 50% in 2024. No one plans to split-up while kneeling at the altar. But life changes.

We don’t anticipate taking charge of a loved one with a long-term illness. But disease happens.

Circumstances convert to challenges. Paradigms breakdown.

When dementia overtakes a family member, a struggle begins.  Who will care for the declining one? Where are the funds needed? Should the deteriorating person go to a facility? If not, who will shoulder the responsibility for home care?  A few family members argue over what is best. Others remain mum and disappear from the scene.

Our daughter lived in three different facilities before God gathered her in His arms and carried her to Heaven. I witnessed multiple reactions from folks with precious family members in these places.

At the first accommodation, I noticed three people who seldom had visitors. One man never had any, but he spoke by phone to relatives. I spotted two residents whose family members came daily.

About twenty occupants received sporadic guests.

One sweet lady never had anyone darken her door. When she died, the director of the place called the lady’s son multiple times, but he didn’t answer. Three months later, the son called to ask about his mother. The director informed him she had been buried at the county’s expense. He responded, “Thank you.” And hung up.

Did he predict he would act that way? Who knows?

I heard a man say, “I just can’t see my dad the way he is now. I want to remember him as a vibrant, healthy person.” Excuse? Perhaps, on the other hand, maybe the guy remained too weak emotionally to handle a tough situation.

I’m a member of support groups. One guy wrote something like this. “I’m 80 and I take care of my wife who declines with dementia. I also have health issues. Our two daughters live fifteen minutes from us, but they refuse to come over. I asked them to call us each night and every morning to make sure we are alive and well. They both said to text them instead.”

The man is deeply hurt by his daughter’s obtuse behavior. They refused his request for help.

A lady wrote, “I take care of my mom in my home. My sister doesn’t come to help, but she calls me to tell me how to do something.”

I met a lot of caregivers during the ten years we took care of our daughter. They struggled with fatigue, loneliness, and financial ruin. When I asked about contributors, most shook their heads. They were in it for the long haul…all alone.

As I sat with Shelley one day, I watched a man across the hall with his wife. He stayed alone with her as she lay dying. He made sure staff turned frail body every fifteen minutes.

However, I saw generosity in others. One lady’s son brought donuts each day for the entire facility.

A wife, whose hubby lived in the second facility, regularly had family members come with her. A wife’s daughter helped her figure out how to pay her husband’s rent each month.

I saw a son give his mom a big kiss. As she left the salon, her son came around and gave her a big smile. “Mom, your hair looks beautiful.” He gave her a kiss and handed the beautician her fee.

I have friends whose entire extended family join together and plan their mom’s care.

As I write this, my hope is that these true stories will inspire us to keep showing up for the treasured one. I hope the absentees will appear. Their relative may not know them, but the primary caregiver will appreciate the visit.

Tips for Caregivers

1.     Don’t agonize over the help you deserve but don’t receive.

2.     When a friend or family member asks what you need, tell them. Don’t hesitate. Be truthful.

3.     Make sure someone checks on you. Arrange a system. I know a lady with three kids. She lives alone. One calls her early in the morning, one at noon, and one at bedtime. She’s blessed to have them. Another woman lives alone but enjoys the newspaper. She told her neighbor, “If you see my paper at the door, please check on me.” She loved reading it with morning coffee, so if it appeared untouched, something was wrong. If you are the sole caregiver of a person, others need to make sure you’re okay. What if you died and your loved one was left alone?

4.     Plan for the future. A will. A funeral home. Power of Attorney. A DNR.

 God bless all who read this.